Gratitude

Why are expressions of gratitude important?

• Good manners are a code of conduct or rules, based on common sense, courtesy and usage. Gratitude is one of these rules.
• Since we were children, we have known that some situations require an expression of gratitude e.g. birthday gift.
• here have always been ungrateful people but this doesn’t mean that we are all ungrateful.

It is important to say thank you because:

• We recognize that someone had a choice – they didn’t have to send us a gift. We are not entitled to a gift.
• Saying thank you acknowledges our dependence on others. No man is an island.
• We should appreciate the act of giving and the time it took to think of the gift, buy it and wrap it.
• It is important to recognize the time it took, especially because we are a time deprived society.
• We acknowledge our relationship with the giver. It’s a simple sign of respect.
• If we do not express gratitude, our relationship might change because we show we don’t care about the other person.
• People give gifts because they are looking for recognition, respect and affection.
• If we are not thanked, we worry our gift was meaningless. By demeaning the gift, we demean the giver.
• By undermining the code of conduct, we belittle the worth of others. What we are saying is: I don’t have to thank you because you mean nothing to me.
• It is contagious. If you do something nice for someone, they will do something nice for someone else.
• If we start chipping away at gratitude and common courtesy, life becomes very unpleasant.

What are some traditional displays of gratitude?

• A simple verbal thank you
• A written note for a gift, help, sharing time, hospitality, and invitations
• Flowers
• Chocolates
• Telephone call or e- mail
• Simple gift
• Gift of time: babysitting, car wash
• Rituals of gratitude and social skills serve as moorings – they provide security and structure.

Does the current generation express gratitude the same way?
How have the expressions changed?

• Our world goes at a faster pace – the younger generation has adapted to this pace and prefer things be done more quickly, by e-mail or phone.
• They often don’t think of a written thank you note – many of them have poor handwriting skills.
• They think of a written note as a chore, not as an opportunity to make someone feel good.
• Also, they don’t realize the time and effort that goes into the act of giving unless they have had to do it themselves.
• We live in an age of consumerism: we have so much that we take it for granted.
• There is also the sense of entitlement: we feel we deserve it.

Why have expressions of gratitude changed?

• Because society has changed in many ways:
• The role of women
• The woman used to be the social secretary: she answered all the mail and looked after the letter writing.
• Changes in the workforce have meant changes in responsibilities.
• The fast pace of society
• We all have less time; we sleep 10 hours less per week.
• Our priorities have changed – we take the fast route.
• Technology
• It started with the telephone – it sped up our life so that we get instant response.
• Mailed communication seems too slow to be useful.
• When utility comes into contact with social form, utility usually wins out.
• Lack of formality
• Society has become more casual.
• There is not as much emphasis on class and status.
• Formality emphasizes the difference in status and keeps people apart.
• But we still have rules.

Thank you notes

• They should be hand written within 24 hours.
• 3-5 sentences are fine.
• Don’t begin: Thank you for the gift. Start with some news, how much you enjoyed the gift etc.
• Mention the gift by name, how you will spend the money or how the gift will be used.
• Emphasize the thoughtfulness of the person not the gift.
• Be positive and up beat. Do not be critical of the gift.
• A telephone invitation can be answered with a telephone thank you.
• A written invitation requires a written thank you note.

What are some examples of gratitude we no longer see today?

Correspondence was seen as an extension of the person and part of the impression they wanted to make. We still thank people for much the same things but how we thank them has changed. There used to be a lot of attention to detail. You couldn’t go out and buy the perfect Hallmark card.

There used to be a stationary wardrobe:

• There were very strict rules about which of the many types of paper to use.
  - Letter sheets
  - Reply cards
  - Informal cards (fold over)
  - Message cards (for greetings and invitations)
  - Correspondence cards (for a thank you note) were flat and heavy, monogrammed, and written only on the front.
  - Reply cards used to be in bad taste.
• Strict attention was paid to:
  - Quality of the paper
  - The margins were wide and even.
  - Black or navy ink was necessary.
  - White or ecru paper
  - Grammar and punctuation
  - No participles in closing
  - Not beginning with “I”
  - Clean and unsmudged paper

Some examples of ungrateful behaviour:

• We take a lot of people for granted.
• We ignore a lot of little common courtesies and kindnesses that are the basis of a civil life. Without them, life can become quite unpleasant.
• There is a lot more rudeness in general e.g. lining up, backpack attacks.

Ungrateful behaviour is not thanking someone:

• For holding the door open.
• On the road – when someone lets you into a line of cars.
• For preparing dinner.
• For driving you to work or school.
• For serving you in a store or restaurant.

How can we tell if there are strings attached to a gift?

• Some gifts are unwanted or they may be too expensive. They make us feel awkward. There has to be balance.
• If you receive an expensive gift, ask yourself what you did to deserve it.
• If everyone in the office got the same gift because of a big contract, then it’s okay.
• If only you got the gift or if the gift is disproportionate, you will feel uncomfortable and there are probably strings attached. Go with your gut instincts.
• Many companies won’t allow gifts above a nominal value.
• If the gift is too expensive, return it with a sincere note expressing your gratitude:br /> I appreciate the thought but company policy forbids me from accepting.

Can gratitude be a trap?

• We read a lot into a gift.
• If your mum buys you some clothes that look like the ones she wears, you may resent it. Is it an attempt to force you to be like her?
• You may not feel gratitude but you may feel that you are being manipulated.
• We need to separate the act of giving from the gift itself.
• Appreciate the act of giving – liking the gift is a bonus!

Is it possible to go overboard in expressing gratitude?
How do we know where to draw the line?

• If someone is too effusive, we get suspicious and question their motives. If we say to ourselves “What’s going on here?”, then their gratitude is extreme.
• If we are the one being too generous, we look insecure and suspect: is there a hidden agenda?
• Drawing the line is relative. A verbal or written thanks is sufficient for most situations. A small gift of chocolates or flowers is okay.
• If someone takes you on a 2 week cruise, your thanks needs to be appropriate: a phone thank you won’t be enough. An invitation to dinner, theatre tickets or both, wouldn’t be out of line.
• It would also be appropriate to take a gift with you on the trip: binoculars, travel books etc.
• For a dinner invitation, flowers or chocolates are appropriate.
• If the gift is too expensive, the host feels uncomfortable.

Are there cultural differences?

In North America, we are fairly informal but other counties can be much more formal. In general, keep it appropriate. Something Canadian is always appreciated.

Japan:

• Do not open gifts in front of the giver.
• Use light coloured paper to wrap.
• Present gift with both hands.
• Acknowledge immediately and in writing.

Mexico:

• Yellow flowers signify death.
• Don’t give knives: it means the severing of friendship.

China:

• Don’t give a clock. It is a reminder that time is passing.
• Refuse a gift 3 times, and then accept reluctantly.
• Avoid white paper.
• In business, a gift is given to the organization not to the individual.

Western Europe:

• White lilies or chrysanthemums signify death.

Muslim:

• Nothing made of pigskin

Italy:

• Wine is an insult.
• The hidden message is that the host may not have enough.

Gifts are accepted in different ways:

• North America – we open gifts at once, flowers are displayed.
• Other cultures, it is rude for the host to leave guests and arrange flowers.
• In France, the host will not open your bottle of wine. It is assumed that the host has gone to a lot of trouble arranging the meal and appropriate wines.

The word gratuity comes from gratitude.
How has our attitude and practice to gratuities changed?

• We eat out a lot more than our parents ever did.
• We are a restaurant culture and are more discerning about tipping.
• We tip for good service, not just a blanket 15%